happy mOthers’ day

Today I have a birthday party    for Dennis cousin to go to.  The kids are invited thank God otherwise I wouldn’t even go.  I usually do not go to parties that are given by his family. His Aunt Jo whom I love is helping her son-in-law give this for Angel.  It’s at a club so they always have the   bar open,   music and food.    If it were nice out they might be able to go outside the kids.  You have to keep them occupied.  Dennis is not going he’s working.  That means I have to face his back-stabbing brother if he shows and his    bitchy mom if she shows and his Aunt Margaret who is just a nasty lady.

  I hope all the Moms out there have a lovely Mothers’ Day!  It’s finally going to nice out and no rain for Moms’ Day woo hoo.    That’s nice.  Alot of people travel so I’m glad for the nice weather.   Not too sure what we will be doing but probably not too much.  

Kayla was suicidal this week and is still having a hard time dealing with all the voices in her head. May 19th Hamptonburgh House is sending some people up to our house to “interview” us and Kayla as well to see if she “fits” into their program. They say if she does they are looking to take her in mid Summer, when is that?  Sadie told me that she was told the end of July.  Dennis is fighting me every step of the way with this temporary 1 year program.  It’s best for Kayla.  He   threatens me that if I send her there for a year “he is out of here!”    oh well don’t let the    door hit you in the ass on your way out! 

I have bigger problems than dealing with his sense of guilt over her needing more care than we can give her right now.  I battled the “guilt” feelings too but it’s what is best for Kayla, also it is only 90 minutes from here so that is not too bad a drive to go see her.

Derrick is severely depressed and now his school is “concerned about him” as his guidance counselor stated to me Thursday.  Really I say wow you mean I’m right and it’s not just a “teenage thing”  or him “acting out” or something?   So now that they are seeing things that are not usual Derrick behavior I am not the crazy parent anymore imagine that!

 

we wOn’t make it thrOugh this stOrm

“Lord of the Dance” was great! The troupe 2 performers were young but really good.  I’m so glad that Dennis liked it too.  He said that we have to find a babysitter once a week to go out just the two of us.  That would be nice but it’s just not practical.

Kaylas’ psychiatrist changed her Clozaril again it went from 325mg a day to 400 mg.  I’m not happy with that and have let him know it SEVERAL times.  Dr. Burky said the problem is she’s been on so many meds. that we really need to give the Clozaril more time and bring it up to a theraputic dose.

I cried and cried yesterday when I got the mail.  Derrick did NOT make National Junior Honor Society.  1. He didn’t get a parent signature and 2. Did not get enough teachers to write him a recommendation!  I’m hurt and pissed off and I’m going to stay mad right now.  Derrick is a very intellegent boy, I never ever help him with homework I can’t it’s too hard and I’ve been out of school so long it looks Greek to me.  He puts in NO EFFORT and pulls a 90 GPA.  Last quarter he did not complete an ET (essential task) for Honors English Language Arts (ELA) and got an INC incomplete for that class.  He’s now on Academic Probation (he can’t play violin or sports which is doesn’t care about any of that) until he completes the required project, the teacher will grade it and then he will get his grade for 3rd quarter for Honors ELA.  That’s when he will be taken off “Academic” he does not care about Academic or the violin. 

My nephew who is in Derricks’ classes except Honors ELA did not even want to join or apply for Natl. Junior Honor - my sister made him.  HE made it IN!  Silly of me to be mad/pissed off?  Probably but Derrick is pissing away his future with all his lack of not caring, not trying or putting forth ANY effort. He wants to be popular and have friends.  He says he doesn’t care about school.  It bothers me to see him go down the wrong path, to be a follower instead of a leader.  

Derrick has a gift from God with the natural ability to play his violin and he taught himself the piano.  He is/was doing so well in school without even putting in any effort.  School and his violin were the only 2 things that meant something to him and it was his way to shine.  Kayla God Bless her will never be able to do half the things Derrick can.   This is why I cry this is why I’m pissed off at Derrick.  No one knows what the future holds but if you don’t even try you are not going to go anywhere.

I have so many regrets about how I should have given Derrick more time and attention when he was younger but Kaylas’ needs were always so great and Dennis was never home so I had to do everything on my own. I think I’m mad and resentful and hurt too when it comes down to it with Dennis.  I know he has to work but please be a father and step up and help support me in making all these tough decisions regarding the kids. No I have done them all myself with Dennis saying “I’m the most selfish person he knows”,  “I’m giving up on Kay” that’s why I’m going to send her away for a year to a theraputic home.  Do you know how hurtful that is?  My kids are my life, my entire world and though  I love Dennis   I do NOT see him and I making it through this rough patch. 

I hope you are all well friends. I’ve been so neglectful I’ve not written to any of you. Just know I’m thinking of you all and wishing you happiness and good health. Love you

 

 

lOrd of the Dance tOnight!

Dennis came home last night with 2 tickets for me to see “Lord of the Dance” we saw Michael Flatley in LOTD when he just came out with it about 7 years ago.  Awesome Dennis didn’t think he’d like it but when all those beautiful girls started dancing around on stage I noticed he started to enjoy the show!

I don’t really want to go now.  The kids have me so down.  Not one of them went to school today and not one of them were sick!  Kay refuses to get out of bed, Der just refuses to do what’s asked of him and poor Keels is feeling the stress of the other 2 and crying and clingy all the time!

The weather was a little nicer today no RAIN! woohoo but still pretty chilly.  I want to start walking again. I have still not found my brand new (month or 2 old) ipod Nano that Derrick took without permission!  I miss my music.

 

 

 

my first pedicure:)

Today I treated myself to a pedicure!  Wow that was an awesome experience.  Remember I don’t get out much alone so it’s a novelty to sit and relax!  The chairs we huge and I had a back massage and they give you a dish of yummy chocolates and ask you if you’d like a drink while you are relaxing.  Aahh what an enjoyable 1 1/2 hours.  Thai also did my eyebrows which I like to do myself but hey why not get the works! lol

Derricks’ music teacher called me today to tell me Derrick was very loud and talkative today “he just kept talking to his neighbor even though I asked him to stop several times” those were Mr. Pedersens’ exact words.  His neighbor………… turns out that was Jamie his love interest.   He actually called her today for the first time, they usually text or Instant Message each other all night!  Not anymore Derrick has no computer privlidges or texting on any cell phone! 

Well there’s a ton of stuff going on and most of it not so good but I’m not going to write about it.  I am going to relax and remember the awesome massage I had and that wonderful whirlpool treatment for my feet.

changes suck!

I’m off shopping!  Yup that helps me feel better shopping. Kayla is out with her new respite worker Kate for 4 hours so it’s just Keels and I and we are going shopping.

Derrick is home but he’s punished so he can just stay home and veg.  No computer or texting on phone so whatever else he can do t.v. or something but all he wants is the puter or my cell to text not happening.

My nephew is staying in Boston for the summer, he’s got an apartment and a job so that’s that.  I’m going to miss him like hell but what can you do?  We will go visit him this summer.  I am having a party for Dennis (a big blowout) he turns 40 on August 10th, tent, music, bocce, food, drinks party, party and more partying!

Well the weather has taken a turn  it’s dropped into the 50s for a high.  We’ve had 2 beautiful weeks of warm, sunny and dry weather.

That’s all for me.  No one is here anymore.  Hope everyone is well.

 

 

tOugh decisiOns! :(

Hello all it’s been awhile since my last post.  How do you all like the new WordPress dashboard?  I don’t like it, I can not figure out how to get a widget for all my pics., like the ones I download from Photobucket.  I have a new award that I wanted to post from my good friend Janey!  Thanks again friend I love my award and would like to share it but I don’t know how to do this with all the changes to themes, dashboard etc.

Last week the kids had their Spring break.  They drove me nuts on Monday and Tuesday so Wednesday through Saturday I had the kids up early and Dennis and I took them on the road.  Yes all together as a family we did a total of 1,000 miles together in 4 days!  It was fun we were all over the place Pennsylvania, down by NYC - not into the city though, Pittsfield Mass. and then up to Lake Placid and Saranac Lake New York.  It’s beautiful up there.  I was suprised though that there was not much going on in Lake Placid it is the Olympic Village and usually it’s hoping, it must be the “off” season though.  The lake was solid frozen yet Saranac is more North and it was not frozen at all it was warmer up there and in fact there is alot of flooding going on.

I put an application in for an R.S.S. placement for Kayla.  What is that and why?  Well after agonizing over this for a good year or more I have decided that the professionals are right, Kayla needs more help right now than either Dennis or I can give her.  She’s cutting with whatever she can find, sleeping most of the time to avoid life, depressed, hurting herself whenever she is asked to do something she does not want to do.  She won’t go to school and everyone the school, Dennis and I her social workers are all bending over backwards for her going 110% and she give back nothing.  She will not even try to help herself or meet us half way.

This is obviously stressful.  My family meaning my sisters and my parents don’t really “get it” or understand it.  I made a vow along with Dennis to always keep Kayla in the home with us.  We would always take care of her and if God forbid we died before her my sisters would take care of her.   I’ve been feeling guilty, mad, sad, pissed off with the world, sometimes God and it’s not right.  Kayla was born this way and will die this way.  The best help I can get for her right now will be in Hamptonburgh House.  They have only 6 girls who are severely ill like Kayla, with schizo-affective disorder and the like.  They teach them the staff of 13 how to live their daily life with their illness, do their activities of daily living, cook, clean, do the laundry etc.  This program is for 9 months to 1 year.  It’s downstate near NYC.  Approximately 1 1/2 hours from here. Which is not the end of the world but it’s very hard to imagine her living out of our home for 1 year!

Derrick is continuing down the “wrong path” tomorrow I meet with the P.I.N.S. Diversion director to find out what that program can do for him?  Who knows that’s a whole can of worms I do not want to open up if you know what I mean but he’s got to be responsible for his own actions.  Needless to say the mother in me wants to mother/protect my kids.  It’s been tough but I’ve had to make these decisions on my own.

Dennis, though I love him will not help me make these tough decisions.  He has to come to to realize in his own time what the kids need is not always what we would like or hope for them but by protecting them it’s not always the best answer.

I’m praying for strenght everyday because without that right now I would be a patient at Four Winds hospital, I can tell you that!  Love and good health to you all!

much the same

Kayla is back to cutting again.  She needs to be back in the hospital (NY Preys.) this time and have her medications looked at.  Besides they are the best at what they do here in New York State, if I could take her to Mass., I would but NY Medicaid won’t pay.  She has to be on Medicaid because they pay for inpatient hospital stays where private insurances kick you out in about 4 days even after suicidal thoughts, attempts.

The kids have this week off from school for their Spring break.  Derrick did a little community service work today.  Dennis was hoping we could go away for a couple of days.  I wanted to because I need a break and you have to keep these kids busy every moment.  Who know though because Kayla may require hospitalization ASAP!

I think I’ll be signing Keels up for swim lessons.  She loves the water.  It’s only 30 minutes on Saturday and when her level goes up so does the length of the lessons to 45 minutes and then 1 hour per week.

Well the weather has been nice so that means I can start my walks back up again.  I’m looking for my “lost” ipod  Derrick had it last. I do not let the kids use it because they have their own and they always break things or lose them and now mine has “disappeared” so I must look again in all the unusual places!

toO scary fOr me!

Keely had a birthday party yesterday at a local bowling alley.  It kind of turned out to be the party from hell! What can go wrong at a 6 yr. olds birthday party?  Plenty

First off all the parents that bring their kids stay. Now I’m thinking oh man I have to stay here with these snoooty, crabby parents who think they are better than me?  Well for Keels I will try my best to be nice and friendly.  Hey wait a minute I love people I am always nice and friendly.:)   Connie is a friend of mine her daughter Gina and Keels are in class together and have had “play dates” at each others houses, I like Connie she’s down to Earth and just plain nice.

Connie was like a half hour late.  I meet Nicks’ mom Tina she’s nice too but she gave me her whole life story in about 10 minutes.  She did complain a bit too much about being a single mom of one and how her man did her wrong, yada yada.  I have total respect for working moms, married or single.  Even though I don’t work a “real job” as Derrick says I think I work pretty damn hard and I’ve had alot of problems too but I don’t go spilling them at the kids bowling party.

Her son Nick is a cutie, he’s very hyper.  We walked in together and he kept waving around a “Baby Bottle Pop” ever see one of these sugar monsters?  I didn’t think it a good idea to have one at a bowling alley to begin with but I’m not his mom. 

Nick was bowling on Keels team Tina and I were talking finally Connie arrived.  About 15 minutes into the game Nick comes walking up to his mom with his hands over his mouth.  She says what’s wrong baby? I’m thinking he got hit in the face or something.  He isn’t talking, this is not good.  Next thing I know all hell breaks loose, Nick it seems swallowed down all the powder in one gulp! OMG it must have clumped up you know?  We did not know that at the time.

This drama all happened it seems like forever but it was probably only a minute, Tina is slamming him on the back and Connie is like OMG what do we do?  I stand up quickly and say “he’s choking, he’s choking” luckily for Nick a man from a lane 2 over walks quickly over and takes control - he apparently knows CPR and the Heimlich manuever!  Thank God.

End of story Nick is thankfully okay.  He leaves with his mom. Connie and are are tramatized and I could not even enjoy the rest of the party.  I kept thinking about poor Nick and how much worse it could have been! We thanked the nice man.  He came over later and kind of explained what to do if that should happen ever again.  I listened but thought jeez man I am afraid to try that move - what if I did it wrong or broke the kids rib?  Jeez I think everyone should probably enroll in first aid training.

I think I’ll look into this matter with our local Red Cross they usually offer this kind of training and they are professionals so I think they would be the best people to go to. Do you know CPR or the Heimlich maneuver?

let’s get back tO nOrmal

Kaylas’ doing pretty well.  Derrick is not.  Keely too has been acting up - alot!  I think it’s too much time off of school!  Today kids need to be kept busy 24/7.  It seems they need to have a schedule for their days off from school!  I swear when I was a kid we did not need to be kept entertained.  We would check in with our parents but we would go outside and play all day with all the kids from the neighborhood.  Those were the good ole days, I think there must have been 20 kids all playing in the parking lot of the funeral home just down the street, riding bikes and playing all kinds of games like red light green light, what time is it mr. fox?  we’d all walk to my house for lunch then go play some more.  Oh well today you have to give the kids a schedule from the time they wake up until bedtime!  I think it’s exhausting!

Dennis put his back out last week but he still kept working all week plus he’s been patching up some holes Kayla made and that’s not so easy as this house was built in 1920 and it has plaster walls.  Sheet rock is much easier to work with.  We’ve been changing the girls room and my room.  So now Kayla and Keels are together in my old room and I have my new bedroom set in Kaylas’ old room.  It really was alot of work.

Hope everyone had a wonderful Easter.  We stayed home and worked on the walls and cleaning closets/drawers etc.  Along with all this moving of rooms I’ve had the kids going through all their clothes/toys etc.  and giving away things to Goodwill and throwing things out if they don’t use the stuff whatever.  It’s kind of like moving and doing Spring cleaning all in one lol!

Well it’s time for Keely to have her shower and then bed.  Back to school tomorrow and hopefully some routine again around here!

kays’ cOming hOme!

  Kayla is coming home tomorrow! woo hoo She’s really ready this time.  Apparently her EKG came out okay, I will ask alot of questions tomorrow at her discharge meeting.  Mohonasen had a 3 day week, the kids have no school Holy Thursday, Good Friday or Easter Monday!    They have a nice longggggggggg break, too long for mom!   lol   Dennis put his back out Tuesday and went straight to his chiropractor - what a jerk - he made Dennis’ back worse!  He’s a mess.  Still he’s been out working everyday.  He’s A.D.D. or something he’s just like his dad they can NOT   stop working or sit still for a minute!  It makes me crazy   (as if I’ve never been there before lol)

Keely turned six yesterday   - yes - my baby girl is 6 yrs. old now!    How time flies.  We got a small cake and took it to Four Winds to have it with Kayla.    We had a great time.  Derrick didn’t he’s still depressed.  He wouldn’t play cards with us and he just was plain nasty when we were playing hangman - he kept picking on everyone and how we could not spell……

My mouth is finally feeling a little better today.  Whew it’s been a week since he took out the teeth and I had pain everyday!  I went back to Dr. John yesterday and he said I did have a dry socket but that since it was healing well and looking pretty good that if the pain were not too bad he would suggest I not have the medicine - so I did not.  Big mistake - my phantom toothache woke me up at 2:00 a.m. it was so painful it hurts my cheek and my right ear!  This morning when the alarm went off around 6:10 a.m. I did not want to get up.  The tooth pain has been gone since 9:00 a.m. so let’s hope and pray it does NOT come back and then I think I will be out of the woods.  

I need to have my truck  looked at soon, it’s making a big noise when I hit a bump and believe me it’s hard to dodge all the damn potholes left after the winter.  You can NOT see some of these craters and they swallow up your tire before you know your upon the vast black hole!  So I think I may have screwed up my shocks not to mention some other important parts up there in my wheel well.